Inner personal space - Me and I syndrome
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Inner personal space - Me and I syndrome

Privacy is good for any relationship, whereas secrecy can cause havoc..according to psychiatrists even the healthiest of couple hide things from each other.

According to Psychologists even the healthiest of couple hide things from each other. Being social beings we all have this inner personal space that we do not want anyone to know.Venting out our feelings after rows by imaginative fantasies gives one space to grow and carve a personal identity.

It is supposed to be an extremely common phenomenon that provides people a sense of contentment.There are people who pursue clandestine hobbies without the knowledge of the other partner doing it in their own home and loving it. It is probably their way of unwinding. Most people do not want to share this special 'Me' syndrome with their partners. It can be anything , like having a hobby of your own, an unknown e mail account , secretly watching porn, catching up with some old friends or relatives in private ..

Many a times , this need to create a personal space comes from having a controlling partner or strict upbringing. It is a kind of self defense against being punished for owning up their faults.

But, we must remember that there is a fine line between what is harmless and what is not. And sometimes , even the smallest such deceptions can rock a steady relationship.There is also a thin one dividing privacy and secrecy. As long as it is indulging in something harmless which doesn't actually change the importance level one is giving to the relationship it is safe.

In fact 'Privacy' is good for a relationship , whereas secrecy can cause havoc in some cases...

For example : Watching Porn in private is 'privacy' as many do it , but , having a full fledged net affair becomes ' Secrecy' , which can threaten the realtionship. So one must be careful not to walk on the secret zone. Many psychologists and experts of the opinion that total honesty is never good for any relationship . There have been many cases where the other partners become insecure with each other's past and may never trust each other having come to know the past affairs etc; It may be wiser to keep some stuff away from your partner, which might cause misunderstanding and tension.

According to many counsellors, it is very essential to give one's partner space within a relationship which in turn helps in strengthening the relationship between the partners.

Finally, it is best to ask oneself whether it is necessary to keep something private and do something without the knowledge of the other partner. It is best to listen to the inner voice or what your heart says . Honesty, is no doubt the best policy but at the end of the day, we all need our inner space and it is fine to keep some tidbits of one's life as long as they do not harm your relationship with your partner..

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Comments (12)

true, but private time can be a tricky thing, you mentioned pornography, this is fine and dandy if your partner is aware you do this, and does not object, however, if your partner fines out by accident, this is called deceit, hiding something from them and situations like this have been known to break up marriages as well. openness in the marriage is always important, private time is time away from the partner, but private time is not keeping secrets such as viewing porno if your partner does not know and that would be a shock to them if they ever found out. I am a counsellor as well

Ranked #9 in General Psychology

yes i agree with that carol...thats why it is important to know whether it is worth or necessary to have private time without the knowledge of your partner..

Interesting article, but being honest to your partner is very important, if you try to do something secretly 99.9% it can lead to misunderstandings.

Ranked #9 in General Psychology

Ruby , i agree with your views.In a normal well adjusted relationship there is no need for the couple to hide things from one another.It is only when there are other factors involved like a dominating and overbearing partner that one begins to hide certain of their actions and this becomes a definitely will have an adverse effect on a relationship if it becomes an obsession..

Hey Kiran: How are you? I have to agree with Carol and Ruby on this one - open, honest relationships are the best and trust is the key to a happy relationship. Keeping secrets is one thing - if someone tells you something and not to tell anyone, that should be kept secret. From everyone. But with life being on roller skates in this fast, technological world with many couples both working, I think a marriage has a better chance of working with shared activities that bond and cement the marriage friendship than to use the little spare time couples have together to look for a private, "clandestine" hobby". In research I did on affairs in marriages, did you know that the majority of them were results of 'private' emails online? Some of them were infactuations, and some went further and some were divorced, --- why risk it? The trust goes out the window and when it's hard to get it back. We all need 'space' in relationships - the time to reconnect with yourself, but meditation, faith activities, athletics, time with friends can provide healthy outlets, not ones you have to 'hide'. Hope all is well with you, little sister, glad you are writing. :)

Ranked #9 in General Psychology

Hi Marie,I too agree with you.But life is complicated and it doesn't work the same for everyone. There are some couple who go through very disturbed marriages where one of the partner is getting a raw deal. According to counselors having private space sometimes gives strength and helps the person to cope with the bad situation and may save a troubled marriage.When a marriage is healthy there definitely is no need to hide anything...

Good Article. You opened a discussion bulletin here. I partially agree with Carol roach, its good to have such openness but still it all depends on the other sides agreements. Yes, I join with Ruby too in a relationship honesty is more important and it firms more the long relationship. No doubt this article will invite more discussion of different opinion. Anyways Kiran you opened a here a flood gate of open discussion. As you said in the concluding para, keep some tidbits of one’s life as long as they do not harm your relationship with your partner. Yes, as long as it do not hurt the other side's relationship its ok nice to read this. keep writing

hey kiran, the sketch is very nice who did this? Is it yours? no byline?

Ranked #9 in General Psychology

Hi Ariel ,thanks a lot for the feedback...I am not talking here about an idealistic marriage where everything seems right.I have seen marriages that seem to be happy to an outsider but there are tremendous pressures within....I Have a friend who has a good marriage , but her husband is a control freak.He never lets her out of his sight.She cannot visit her mother without him, nor can she spend time shopping or talking to her sister.So much so that he wouldn't let her visit her mother alone in the hospital when her mother had to undergo a surgery.It is the same with all her relatives, whereas he does not mind her spending time with his mother and sisters.. Initially she put up with all that but now she feels that she needs to spend more time with her sister's family and mother as well, esp since her mother is getting old.So she has started visiting them while her husband is at the office.But even that is difficult because he keeps calling the home number to keep tabs on her.Can one blame her? She says that her husband is otherwise caring and loving and she does not want to have any friction within the family ..Thats how things are with some family and one cannot generalise...

hi kiran, thanks for the quick response, good that you narrated another incident, i thinks such cases are so rare, and as you said we can't generalise. keep writing. pl do visit my knols and if time permits pl post a comment on any knols which you prefer so that i can invite you as a co-author thanks Hi Sis, Good to meet you, Good to know more about you, I am philip from india do some writing at google's pl do visit the link

Good article

Interesting article with multiple viewpoints..